Genuine listening examples

To understand someone, you must first listen to them; however, it is unfortunate that most of us don't know how to listen. When people talk, we seldom listen because we're usually too busy preparing a response, judging, or filtering their words through our own paradigms. It is quite typical of us to use these five poor listening styles: Spacing Out, Pretend Listening, Selective Listening, Word Listening, and Self-centered Listening.

• Spacing Out - When you are talking to someone and they ignore you because their mind is on something else.
• Pretend Listening - When you are talking to someone and they aren't paying much attention. They pretend by saying various phrases like "yeah" and "sounds great."
• Selective Listening - When you were talking to someone and they only paid attention to the part that interested them. 
• Word Listening - When you were talking to someone and they were only listening to your words, not the emotional composition behind them. 
• Self-centered Listening - When you are talking to someone and they only see what you are saying from their point of view. 
• Judging - When you feel someone is judging you instead of listening to you. 
• Advising - When you are talking to someone and they give you advice from their own experience instead of seeking to completely understand you. 
• Probing - When you are talking and they ask you questions that you aren't ready for yet. 

There is a higher form of listening which leads to real communication. This form is called "genuine listening." It's the kind of practice we want to put to use:

• Listen With Your Eyes, Heart, and Ears - 53% of communication is body language, 40% is tone/feeling, and 7% is words. To hear what other people are really saying, you need to listen to what they are not saying. 
  
• Stand in Their Shoes - To become a genuine listener, you need to take off your shoes and stand in another's. Many people look at conversations as a competition. In reality, since both are coming from a different point of view, both can be right. Try to see the situation from their perspective.
• Practice Mirroring - Think like a mirror; it doesn't judge and it doesn't give advice. It reflects. Mirroring is simply repeating back in your own words what the other person is saying and feeling. Mirroring consists of repeating meaning, using your own words, and being warm and caring. You also need to really desire to understand others in order to use mirroring effectively. Your attitude is the lurking mass of ice underneath the surface. 

Communication is difficult enough, but throwing parents into the mix makes it all the harder. Many teenagers, including Sean Convey at one point, felt that parents didn't understand them or respect them as individuals. But no matter how distant your parents may seem at times, life will go so much better if you can communicate effectively with them. To improve your relationship with your parents, just try listening to them, as if you were listening to a friend. You may be saying that they don't understand you, but have you ever considered that you don't understand them? Parents have pressures too: Like all the problems you possess, they have similar problems internally and at work/daily enterprises. They may have unfulfilled dreams they've had to sacrifice so that you can reach yours. They cry, laugh, get their feelings hurt, etc., just like you. If you take the time to understand and listen to your parents, you'll gain a greater respect for them and you'll get your way much more often. If they feel that you understand them, they'll be much more willing to listen to you, they'll be more flexible, and they'll trust you more. 

The second half of Habit 5, Then Seek to Be Understood, is as important as the first half but requires something different of us. The first portion requires consideration, but seeking to be understood requires courage. Practicing only the first half of Habit 5 is a Lose-Win situation. Remember, unexpressed feelings never die; they are buried alive and come back in uglier ways. You have to share your feelings or they'll eat your heart out. If you have taken the time to listen, your chances of being listening to are very good. Giving feedback is an important part of seeking to be understood as well. If done in the right, tender way, it can be a deposit in the RBA. If your RBA with someone is high, you can give feedback openly without hesitation. Make sure your feedback is with their best interest at heart; make sure that the feedback will really help the person. Furthermore, send "I messages instead of "you" messages. In other words, give feedback in the first person.