My toddler won t stop screaming and crying

Your toddlers screams and yells can be alarming, but theyre a normal part of growing up [RCPSYCH 2015]. Your little one may be screaming because theyre frustrated, they want your attention or they want something they can't have [AAFP 2019, KidsHealth 2018, RCPSYCH 2015]. But sometimes your toddler's volume is turned way up simply because theyve discovered the joy of flexing their vocal muscles. Read on for tips on what to do when your toddler screams.

Why does my toddler scream?

They want your attention

Some toddlers scream whenever they want their parents' attention [AAFP 2019, KidsHealth 2018]. It's their way of saying, "Hey, look at me!".

Theyre frustrated

Your toddler may become very upset and scream if theyre unable to do something, such as getting themselves dressed or pouring their own juice [RCPSYCH 2015].

They want something they cant have

Your little one may scream when they want something they can't have, such as a biscuit or a friend's toy. In that case, the shrieking means, "I want my way. Give it to me now!".

Theyre hungry and tired

A tired or hungry toddler, or one thats over-stimulated by whats going on around them, is much more likely to act up [RCPSYCH 2015].

Theyre having fun

Sometimes your toddler's volume is turned up high because they're full of energy. They're exploring the power of their voice, and experimenting with what they can do with it.

Why do they always seem to let rip when you're at the supermarket or the museum? It's because there's a lovely echoing effect when you scream in big open spaces!

How can I prevent my toddler from screaming?

Here are some tips that may help to ward off a fit of screaming.

Make sure your toddlers well rested and not hungry

Whenever you can, work around your toddler and their sleep and food needs. Try to make sure your little one is well rested and has a bite to eat before you leave the house. If you were tired and hungry, you wouldn't have the patience for shopping, either.

Use distraction

Make trips out more fun for your toddler by engaging them in an activity. Here are two tactics to try:

• Play a game. Talk to your toddler when you're out shopping. Tell them what you're doing, point out what's going on around you, and so on. Get them to help with choosing fruit and vegetables, and items off the shelves, to make it more fun. Or make up a song about what you're doing. They may even be happy to sing their favourite nursery rhymes with you to help pass the time.
• Offer toys and snacks. Just make sure you give them to your toddler before they scream. If you wait until they're screaming, you'll give them the message that they get what they want when they raise their voice. Offer them a snack or toy while they're being quiet. You could even keep a special toy in the car and allow them to play with it only on car trips.

What should I do when my toddler screams?

It depends on why theyre screaming. If your toddler isnt happy about something, heres how to cope:

Dont give in

It can be tempting to give in to your child when theyre having a screaming fit. But it may teach your child that shouting and screaming gets them what they want and will make the problem worse.

If you know your toddler's raised the volume because they think they can get you to hand over a biscuit, don't give in. Instead, say "You can have a biscuit when we get home". Don't bother saying they can have the biscuit later if they behave better. By the time they get it, they won't remember how they earned it. Simply offer them a biscuit once you're home.

Stay calm

Try not to shout at your toddler to lower their voice. It probably won't help and it'll send the message to your toddler that shouting is acceptable when we feel angry. Take some deep breaths and speak calmly and clearly to your toddler. Encourage them to follow your lead, which is to calm down and lower the volume.

Even if youre frustrated or angry with your child, try not to use physical force. Research shows that smacking children increases the risk of your child having more behavioural problems and issues with their mental health in later life [Bevilacqua et al 2020].

Acknowledge their feelings

If your toddler's screaming because they want your attention, ask yourself whether they're genuinely uncomfortable or overwhelmed. If you think the environment you're in is too much for them, finish what you're doing and leave fast. If shopping at a busy supermarket is the problem, visit at off-peak times, go to smaller shops for a while, or shop online.

If you think they're just bored or grizzly, acknowledge what they're feeling. Say calmly, "I know you feel bored and want to go home and we will in a few minutes, once we're finished," and push on. They will be comforted that you know how they feel, and you'll also help them learn how to put their feelings into words.

What should I do when my toddler screams and shrieks for fun?

If your toddler's screaming because they're happy, try not to comment or criticise. But if it's really bothering you, heres what you can do to turn the volume down on your little ones screaming:

Ask them to use their "indoor voice"

Lower your voice to a whisper so they have to be quiet to hear you and calmly say, "Can you use your indoor voice so we can understand you better?".

If your child manages to use their indoor voice, be sure to give them lots of praise and encouragement for doing so. Children respond better to positive reinforcement than to punishment [AAP 2018].

Make a game out of it

If youre somewhere quiet, on a canal or woodland walk for example or in the privacy of your own home, indulge your little ones need to be loud by saying, "Let's both shout as loud as we can," then join them in letting rip. Afterwards turn down the volume by saying, "Now it's time to see whose whisper is quietest". Then, like a Simon Says game, switch to other movements, such as putting your hands over your ears or jumping up and down. This will make screaming seem like just one of many fun things they can do.

Im embarrassed by my toddlers screaming in public. What can I do?

Pick toddler-friendly times and places

When you're out and about with your toddler, avoid quiet, intimate or formal places where a screaming fit is likely to make you feel embarrassed and exposed. Restaurants, cafes, and public places geared towards young children are better.

If you're in a family-friendly restaurant, you won't be as mortified when your toddler screams. There may also be activities, such as crayons and colouring in, or a play area, to keep your toddler entertained.

Ignore the onlookers

For many parents, the hardest part of coping with a screaming toddler is brushing off other people's judgemental looks. If you're somewhere such as a library or a quiet restaurant and your child's screaming is disruptive, take them outside. But in a busy supermarket or shopping centre, let them look. They'll get over it!

More on toddler behaviour:

• Parents share their tips on dealing with toddler temper tantrums
• Find out how self-control develops in your toddler and preschooler
• Nail biting in two-year-olds
• Is your 18-month old too young for a time out?
• How this parent is coping with the terrible twos
• Discover how a good bedtime routine can calm your toddler and help them fall asleep more easily